Carl the Unfortunate

On 16 Aug 2005 at 1415 GMT a press conference was held, hastily arranged by a shadowy group calling itself the "Dada-sub-rosa Moto Kult, Gavrilo Princips Kabal" in a conference room at the World Affairs Council of San Francisco, 200 Sutter St, SF, CA. The conference was chaired by "Doug, Self-Appointed Advance Man & FlakCatcher for Carl the Unfortunate," though some questions were fielded by what appeared to be a Tibetan monk of the Yellow Hat Kagyupa sect who gave his name as "Gyeshe Tsering, but just call me Rob." The assembled press corps were expecting an address from the Vice-Consul for Inter-Economic Affairs for the Democratic Republic of the Congo to the US, and were understandably perplexed. The transcript that follows is incomplete, and joins the conference during the post-address Q&A period.

[...]
Doug: I told you, Carl Himself will not attain his majority until December 2012, and it will be then that he will be outed as the Unfortunate One and World Savior. Today he's just a confused adolescent trying to blend in at a suburban California junior high.

Chris Rosen, LA Times: Well I still don't get it- is he supposed to be the Christ or the Antichrist?

Doug: That depends on one's perspective, which sect of Christianity one adheres to. Carl will also be claimed by Buddhists as the Maitreya, the Buddha reborn, the Jews as the real M'kheia, certain Shia will posit he's the return of the 12th Imam, what else?

Tibetan Ron: The Sunnis will see him as the False Prophet, the Hindu will see an incarnation of Shiva, uh, some UFO nuts will make a convincing case that he's actually an alien--

Doug: So you see who you'll see will depend on where you're looking from... the point is Carl will not, and is not any of these messiahs or archfiends, he's just a regular guy who wants to be left alone, but owing to his unusual talents and bad timing he's due to be the focus of all this worldwide projection, wish-fulfillment, and the resulting confusion and disarray is what we're trying to head off here today...

Cynthia deAngeles, AP: But is he good or evil?

Doug: (sighs)

Tibetan Ron: Good and evil are diseases of the mind...

Jeremy Farrell, Oakland Tribune: If, as you say, he unilaterally declares the end of private property and abolition of money, who will get, say, the nice big yachts?

Doug: Look, once everyone realizes that property is theft and the insatiable accumulation of consumer goods is a substitute for meaning, for meaningful human interactions which are the true things of value, once that happens whoever happens to get the yacht will seem supremely unimportant. If you want to go yachting, you get the yacht- when you're done anybody else who wants the yacht gets it. If you want to hog the yacht, so be it. But you won't--

Jeremy Farrell: Bullshit! Everybody will want the yacht, and there won't be enough yachts to go around!

Doug: So we'll build more yachts. But the main point you seem to be missing is this preoccupation with property is actually a subversive simulation of novelty, a substitute for meaning, and you're gonna feel a whole lot better once you own up to that.

Jeremy Farrell (sotto voce): Yeah, right...

Rajiv Gupta, San Jose Mercury News: If there's no more money why will people go to work?

Doug: People will go to work because they want to- humans tend to want to do things, and that won't change. What will change is people doing things only for money- people will be free to identify their heart's desire and do that, and as a result will do what they do better and happier. The day after Carl's Pointing Out of the Painfully Obvious everyone will still go to work like before, the stores will be open and stocked as ever, only you won't need or want money. Money is paper and metal and the rest is just a consensual illusion maintained for convenience. After the Pointing Out money will suddenly appear to everyone as inconvenient and not a little bit absurd...

(Unidentified Female Reporter): How does this Carl know all this is coming down?

Doug: As we said at the outset, Carl is even now experiencing what the Hindu call siddhi powers. He's not exactly bound in time and space the same way you and I are, and among his powers is an ability to forsee various probable futures. He's just getting his sea-legs now, and that's why he panicked when he saw all the world's religions simultaneously claiming him as either the Messiah or False Messiah, and the confusion that would ensue. He, and us are hoping that by pointing out this potential unfortunate turn of events we can avoid it, though to be honest I'm beginning to have doubts any of this is going to work...

Jeremy Farrell: If all the world governments disappear overnight who will deliver the mail, or decide where to build dams, or--

Doug: There'll still be administrators, people who are good at and want to organize human effort, what will disappear is the need for coercive government, for the surrender of individual human autonomy for rule from above. After the Pointing Out people will assume a responsibility they've always had but have traditionally ceded to the state... If there's no criminals, there's no need for cops, and the minute people cop to the Unpleasant Truth world governments will just disappear, drop off like an archaic and obsolete body organ...

Jeremy Farrell: But who will be in charge?

[here the tape ends abruptly]