Dick Clark's Rockin' 2012 Apocalypse

I've been expecting the eschaton and leading my life as though it
were imminent for some time now, and frankly I am getting a
bit impatient. Since 2004 obviously didn't pan out I'm now putting my
chips on 2012 for the sheer inordinately large number of citations of
it as the ultimate, or at least a notable (and not in a good way) year.
A cursory and noninclusive iteration of predictions &/or causes for
EndTime:MMXII includes (in no particular order) A) the fact that it's
the last year in the Mayan Calendar, which while the specific
implications may be ambiguous, most Codex Scholars agree it can't be
anything good[1], B) Tibetan astrologers and remote viewers forecasting
global thermonuclear warfare AND timely intervention by UFOs[3], C)
the Bible Code's ETA for yet another killer comet on the way[2], D)
reversal of both the Sun & Earth's magnetic poles, bound to be
disorienting at best[2], E) the date beyond which CG Jung could not see
when he was plumbing the Collective Unconscious when compiling his
Red Book, and would get irritable and tetchy when questioned further[4],
F) Terrence McKenna's carefully worked out scientific date for the
culmination of his Novelty Theory wherein the measureable and
accelerating process of human innovation will reach critical mass,
promising an encounter with a transdimensional object and (deep breath)
Hyperspatial Breakthrough, Planetesimal Impact, Alien Contact,
Historical Metamorphosis, Metamorphosis of Natural Law, Solar
Explosion, Quasar Ignition at theGalactic Core[5], G) the beginning of
the Fifth World predicted by Hopi prophecy, promising Global
Thermonuclear Warfare & a final Manichean-type showdown between
matter & spirit[6], H) the projected arrival date of Carl the Unfortunate
whose arrival will be heralded simultaneously as i. Christ's Return, ii. the
Antichrist, iii. the Maitreya or reincarnation of Lord Buddha, iv. the
promised Jewish Me'khia, v. the return of the Shi'ite 12th Imam, vi. the
False Prophet foretold by certain Sunni, vii. the return of a certain alien
species that interferes w/ human destiny, etc., which even though Carl
will strenuously disavow any connection to any of these holy &/or unholy
figures, and insist he's just a regular guy like you or me will still cause
mass confusion & name-calling[7]. If only one fourth of these forecast
events come to pass 2012 promises to be quite a busy year indeed.
And you gave up smoking!

[1] http://www.levity.com/eschaton/Why2012.html
[2] http://www.religioustolerance. org/end_wrl18.htm
[3] http://www.indiadaily.com/edit orial/12-26-04.asp
[4] can't locate a cite, but remember this bit from a Jung biopic,
specifically an interview part with Jung scholar Laurens van der Post,
right before he chides the immaturity of human's thinking we can trash
this planet & just amscray into some outer space colony &/or have our
asses miraculously saved by Benevolent Space Brothers (see fn [2])
[5] http://www.levity.com/eschaton /finalillusion.html
[6] http://www.welcomehome.org/rainbow/prophecy/hopi1.html
[7] comments overheard in drunken rant by Doug, Self-Appointed Advance
Man for Carl the Unfortunate, 17 Aug 2005, Mooney's Pub, Br'klyn NYC

New York Is Dying

Anybody catch the cover story in the Voice a few weeks back, about the German girl who scammed a handful of unfortunates by using a spare key & advertising for roommates & taking a bunch of deposits, only to exit stage left with the money and miss the spectacle of ten moving vans pulling up at once? Hi-larious, and almost poetic. She was sick of NYC and all the pathetic, desperate angling for nickels and dimes, and instead of just calling it a day and humbly moving on decided to pull a Dada stunt in the prevailing fuck-you ethos & make a tidy sum while at it.

And you know, I understand where she was coming from. I was born and raised in SF, but my dad was a native NYer & we visited every summer during the hoary days of the late 70s, and then in the late 80s I opted to decline admission to some more prestigious Ivy League schools in favor of NYU, just so I could live here. And it was worth it: there may have been more crime & graffiti & gen'l urban mayhem, but it was the capital of the fucking world & evidenced it without making a big to-do. So two & 1/2 years ago I jumped at the chance to relo here with the consulting firm I work for, and in my mind return to Civilization. Now I can't wait to get the high hell out, and after you read this you'll be looking forward to my exit, too...

See, NY is fundamentally upfucked, and shows no sign of righting herself. It doesn't take a Ph.D. to realize that a lot of this relates to the lingering effects of the monstrosity of 9/11... There's a lot of sadness just under the surface here, and I understand the impulse to soldier on and not dwell unduly, but the gen'l reliance on NY's famous character armor and tacit agreement to not talk about the consequences of that nighmare, and the decline of NY in general doesn't appear to be working real well either.

So, here, before I decamp for the mellower shore let me piss everybody off & start the conversation. What used to be an exhilarating and unavoidable general momentum that sharpened everyone's instincts seems to me to have degenerated into pathetic desperate angling for nickels and dimes, the old desire to fuck before being fucked, but like on steroids. Even friends, it seems to me, constantly look for leverage & take quiet inner satisfaction out of one free beer cadged out of anyone too stupid to keep track of rounds. And transplants are the worst: moving to NY gives them the license to find that inner asshole they always knew they had inside. At least natives don't know anything else, this hell's just the status miserable quo. And the City That Never Sleeps apparently sleeps now, and a lot. I used to dig how even at 4:30 am there'd be literal crowds out. No more. I took a livery car home to Br'klyn one morning recently and it was a fucking ghost town out. I remember laughing inwardly during the late 80s at the pretense of going to a West Side club, ordering a drink, and immediately deciding that the bar sucked and taking a cab to the East Side, and then repeating the process on arrival, having a coke-fueled hunt for the Perfect Scene which, amazingly, was findable with a little luck, timing, and the right connections. Now people are happy if they can get home, pull a (overpriced) bongload and sack out before Charlie Rose signs off. I know, everyone has to work hard to pay the rent, but there used to be a point to it, one worked hard but had ready access to wild anarchic subcultures, scenes and salons.

Exactly whose quality of life was improved by busting pot smokers & turnstile jumpers? I was dragged out of my car KGB style and digested through the maw of Central Booking for the crime of being an idiot and daring to take a toke with my girlfriend on the LES, and the kicker was the cops immediately started apologizing and giving me the old, "If it was up to us.., you seem cool, etc" which, you know: fuck you. Either arrest me or don't. Preferably the latter: it's weed. There's a zillion other pressing concerns. And all those cops fingering the tiny internal pockets of any boho looking cat's backpack at the subway are not looking for bombs. Be real.

And until very recently any punk kid could show up from Eau Claire or wherever & find a roommate situation in the admittedly sketchy LES or Alphabet City for a couple hundred. Now, forget it. They're gentrifying Red Hook! Red Hook! There's literally no margins left to get a foothold, at least not within an hour's subway ride. And no margins means no artists, writers, freakazoids. Just the aforementioned fuck-you-fuck-me species of uberyuppies and the poor wretches who slouch in from the boroughs to service them. Fucking sad. There used to be compensation for all the aggravations of NY life is I guess what I'm getting at, but no more. It's all tidied up for the tourists, and the cops own the streets (seriously: that shit during the Repub Conv would've inspired literal overturn-the-cop-car-and-set-it-aflame riots in SF- cordoning off blocks on scooters! The very fucking idea. That dude kicking and punching the undercover goon who was revving into the crowd was cool, tho.). I miss, mourn, and pine for the old NY (god what an eternal refrain), and until (god forbid) another Incident clears the City of the casual opportunists & does something about the obscene rental market you can color me gone.

And the fucking weather! Heh.

Carl the Unfortunate

On 16 Aug 2005 at 1415 GMT a press conference was held, hastily arranged by a shadowy group calling itself the "Dada-sub-rosa Moto Kult, Gavrilo Princips Kabal" in a conference room at the World Affairs Council of San Francisco, 200 Sutter St, SF, CA. The conference was chaired by "Doug, Self-Appointed Advance Man & FlakCatcher for Carl the Unfortunate," though some questions were fielded by what appeared to be a Tibetan monk of the Yellow Hat Kagyupa sect who gave his name as "Gyeshe Tsering, but just call me Rob." The assembled press corps were expecting an address from the Vice-Consul for Inter-Economic Affairs for the Democratic Republic of the Congo to the US, and were understandably perplexed. The transcript that follows is incomplete, and joins the conference during the post-address Q&A period.

[...]
Doug: I told you, Carl Himself will not attain his majority until December 2012, and it will be then that he will be outed as the Unfortunate One and World Savior. Today he's just a confused adolescent trying to blend in at a suburban California junior high.

Chris Rosen, LA Times: Well I still don't get it- is he supposed to be the Christ or the Antichrist?

Doug: That depends on one's perspective, which sect of Christianity one adheres to. Carl will also be claimed by Buddhists as the Maitreya, the Buddha reborn, the Jews as the real M'kheia, certain Shia will posit he's the return of the 12th Imam, what else?

Tibetan Ron: The Sunnis will see him as the False Prophet, the Hindu will see an incarnation of Shiva, uh, some UFO nuts will make a convincing case that he's actually an alien--

Doug: So you see who you'll see will depend on where you're looking from... the point is Carl will not, and is not any of these messiahs or archfiends, he's just a regular guy who wants to be left alone, but owing to his unusual talents and bad timing he's due to be the focus of all this worldwide projection, wish-fulfillment, and the resulting confusion and disarray is what we're trying to head off here today...

Cynthia deAngeles, AP: But is he good or evil?

Doug: (sighs)

Tibetan Ron: Good and evil are diseases of the mind...

Jeremy Farrell, Oakland Tribune: If, as you say, he unilaterally declares the end of private property and abolition of money, who will get, say, the nice big yachts?

Doug: Look, once everyone realizes that property is theft and the insatiable accumulation of consumer goods is a substitute for meaning, for meaningful human interactions which are the true things of value, once that happens whoever happens to get the yacht will seem supremely unimportant. If you want to go yachting, you get the yacht- when you're done anybody else who wants the yacht gets it. If you want to hog the yacht, so be it. But you won't--

Jeremy Farrell: Bullshit! Everybody will want the yacht, and there won't be enough yachts to go around!

Doug: So we'll build more yachts. But the main point you seem to be missing is this preoccupation with property is actually a subversive simulation of novelty, a substitute for meaning, and you're gonna feel a whole lot better once you own up to that.

Jeremy Farrell (sotto voce): Yeah, right...

Rajiv Gupta, San Jose Mercury News: If there's no more money why will people go to work?

Doug: People will go to work because they want to- humans tend to want to do things, and that won't change. What will change is people doing things only for money- people will be free to identify their heart's desire and do that, and as a result will do what they do better and happier. The day after Carl's Pointing Out of the Painfully Obvious everyone will still go to work like before, the stores will be open and stocked as ever, only you won't need or want money. Money is paper and metal and the rest is just a consensual illusion maintained for convenience. After the Pointing Out money will suddenly appear to everyone as inconvenient and not a little bit absurd...

(Unidentified Female Reporter): How does this Carl know all this is coming down?

Doug: As we said at the outset, Carl is even now experiencing what the Hindu call siddhi powers. He's not exactly bound in time and space the same way you and I are, and among his powers is an ability to forsee various probable futures. He's just getting his sea-legs now, and that's why he panicked when he saw all the world's religions simultaneously claiming him as either the Messiah or False Messiah, and the confusion that would ensue. He, and us are hoping that by pointing out this potential unfortunate turn of events we can avoid it, though to be honest I'm beginning to have doubts any of this is going to work...

Jeremy Farrell: If all the world governments disappear overnight who will deliver the mail, or decide where to build dams, or--

Doug: There'll still be administrators, people who are good at and want to organize human effort, what will disappear is the need for coercive government, for the surrender of individual human autonomy for rule from above. After the Pointing Out people will assume a responsibility they've always had but have traditionally ceded to the state... If there's no criminals, there's no need for cops, and the minute people cop to the Unpleasant Truth world governments will just disappear, drop off like an archaic and obsolete body organ...

Jeremy Farrell: But who will be in charge?

[here the tape ends abruptly]